An art outdated, overlooked, and generally abhorred in today’s emojis. Much to my chagrin, I’ve found letter writing to be problem of many layers. At the present time, the world’s primary method of communique is through texting, twitter, and their ilk. The problem with social media is that we can’t seem to make real human connection through symbols. Thus, the Art of Writing (anything really). Purposely using the wrong tools for the job, as it were.

First you have to communicate facts (or fiction if that’s what you’re into). What you have been up to. Where you’ve been. Who you’ve seen. When you’ll be in town. Why are you writing them a letter letter? Whoever cares enough about you to read a multi-page letter, will want details of your continued existence.

Now emotions, since they can’t subconsciously share your feelings by picking up facial twitches and body language. You’ll need to eloquently express your state of mind to your friend. Or not so eloquent if your state of mind is really really pissed. Your eyes can’t be seen sparkling with defiance over a new restriction, so add a few choice sparkles to two or more of your sentences.

Then it is necessary to add texture to your pencil sketch: the sensation and sound of your motorcycle in a mountain pass or a parking garage; the face of a pedestrian staring across the red light; the smells as you enter a house you’ve never been in before.

And lastly, ask some questions. Despite the lack of immediate feedback, you are having this one-way conversation with another person. Yes, a conversation. Not a report to some high mucky-muck. How are you and how is the weather? Is great-aunt Marge still selling opioids? What would you have done if you had been faced with the situation I just described?

It’s not much, but it’s everything I’ve learned in the past six days. Trying to produce a letter to my otherwise uncontactable friend in Thailand.

Now that the correct wording has been found, color added to passages, and questions asked (he’s not my superior officer yet). Well now, it’s time for me to type it all up in a docx file and start cruising Fiverr.com for a Thai translator. My friend can’t read English yet, but I still want my thoughts to be properly conveyed.

Have I talked about language goggles? It’s my own beer flavored term for how people see the world differently through the filter of their language. Like the odd tint that Hollywood puts on movies based in Mexico, your understanding of the universe is colored by how easy your language expresses emotions, the harsh or smooth sounds, or even the tongue’s sense of direction and color.

[examples] I’ve read Lord of the Rings in English, German, and Spanish. In each case, the fictional worlds, characters, and emotions depicted appeared different in my mind’s eye. And there are approximately 7,099 languages in our world. It’s the rabbit hole big brother of the Matrix. Or, rather, a rabbit warren with 7,099 entrances.

So needless to say (sorry if that phrase irritates you), I’ll not be trusting my letter to the soulless machinations of Google Translate. Some languages are more different from one another than others. And English to Thai is day and night.

Ladies and Gentlemen, THe aRt of LettEr WrItinG